Real Life and Blogs

So, I figured it’s about time I joined up with all my self-respecting 21^st-century peeps and started a blog. My first entry isn't as light-hearted as I would like, but hey.

Today I’ve been thinking more about what to do about Anastáncia, my good friend here who wants to marry me. We’ve talked and I tried to make it as clear as I could that I really feel strongly that we shouldn’t, but just this morning she told me that she dreamed about me and still loves me and really feels like I’m not here and we didn’t meet by accident. She talked about how it isn’t easy for her, especially when above and beyond her wanting it, so many mutual friends and people from church want us to be together—she’s even asked about it by the missionaries sometimes. I know where she’s coming from and I know that it’s hard, but at the same time I don’t know what else I can do when I really have felt strongly that we shouldn’t date.

From my time here, and all the talks I’ve had with buddies my age about their love lives and such, it’s really striking how different the cultural notion of courtship is here, and seemingly in Southeastern Africa in general. Here, there isn’t this emphasis on soulmates that Westerners always get stuck on through our lovely piles upon piles of rubbish romantic comedies, this notion of finding someone who completely understands you and completes you—here, it’s a matter of finding a good man that will treat you well. There isn’t the same expectation of commonality, of finding someone who works with you, of dating someone long enough to have seen them in all their different modes of being them, of being sure that you can function together in your day-to-day. You find someone you know is a good person that you like, and you marry them. And it works, it totally works for people here—but I really don’t think it would work for me. I think Hollywood goes way too far with all the myths about soulmates and such and creates completely unrealistic expectations, but at the same time I can’t deny that I expect some sense of shared experience, of shared perspective, of a similar way of looking at the world. The idealist in me really isn’t comfortable with the notion that cultural differences could impede a successful relationship—it seems to xenophobic, bordering on racist, when that’s my reason for feeling a relationship wouldn’t work out with a girl here, or anywhere else. But at the same time, cultural differences are barriers, there’s truth to that, and I don’t really feel like I can deny it—a cross-cultural relationship could work, depending on the circumstances, but that doesn’t mean I should try to force myself to believe this one would.

I’ve been in enough relationships to know I could find someone that I share more of my sacred things (not just membership in the church in and of itself, but things that are important/sacred to me) with than Anastáncia. Anastáncia and I could be very happy, I think—but I think we both could be happier with people more like us. I don’t know if that’s what she necessarily wants, but it’s what I want, and I need to be honest with myself, as much as I don’t want to hurt her.

I was listening to a Bill Withers song that I think completely captures how I’m feeling towards Anastáncia, and since all the truly hip blogs are all about the media references, here goes:

I wish you flowers sunshine and smiles
I wish you children that grow to make you proud
I wish you pretty things to wear
Sweet things to smell
I wish you well

I wish you good friends that always treat you fair
Wanna wish you ribbons to tie around your hair
I wish you truckloads of cheer
and many happy years
I wish you well

Wanna wish you freedom to do the things you love
Wanna wish you blessings and kindness from above
Wanna wish you sunlight through the clouds
I hope you laugh out loud
I wish you well